When the Work Feels One-Sided

I've been working my way through The Empowered Wife, and I'll be honest — parts of it are sitting uneasily with me.

I keep feeling like the book is suggesting that the problems in my marriage are mine to fix. That if I just change myself enough, he'll be kinder, more open, more present. But here's the thing: I am the same woman he chose. The same voice he once couldn't get enough of is now, apparently, too much. One of his complaints is that I talk too much — but I talked this much from the beginning. Our very first conversation is the reason he asked me out.

Meanwhile, I've watched him change. He used to be more open with me. Now he lies more than he tells the truth. I believe he's going through a midlife crisis — and if that's what this is, there's genuinely nothing I can do except wait it out. I know this because I went through my own, in my last marriage. I know what the storm looks like from the inside.

What I do agree with wholeheartedly is the self-care piece. Every book I've read about loving someone through a midlife crisis says the same thing: be the ruler of your own happiness. Don't seek it from him. Be the lighthouse, and eventually he'll feel safe enough to come back to harbor. On that, I'm sold.

Where I get stuck is the silence and deference. Keeping my opinions to myself feels repressive — and I know where repression leads. Resentment. I've seen what resentment does to a marriage up close. It's quiet and it's patient and it kills things slowly.

I also wrestle with the manipulation question. We're not directly controlling anyone, sure — but we are adjusting our behavior in hopes of getting a different response. That's human. Women have been using their feminine instincts to influence their husbands for as long as marriages have existed. Let's be honest: we're reading the book for a how-to. And if our hearts aren't fully in it — if we're doing it only to extract something from him — that's where it slides into something that could cost us more than it gives.

And then there's the question nobody wants to sit with: what if his problems have nothing to do with you? What if his wounds are older than your marriage? What if no amount of softening or surrendering can reach the part of him that refuses to heal? You cannot adjust yourself into fixing another person's inner demons. That work is his. All you can do is wait and see if he chooses it.

So here's where I land: if you use these skills to become the best version of yourself for yourself — I think it works. It might make you a happier, more grounded person, and by extension, a safer place for your husband to return to.

Just don't lose yourself in the process.